Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
