life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
COCAINE IS GR8
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
