Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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