I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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