Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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