she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize