I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
