I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize