My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
