I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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