You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
