Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
