Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i just had sex bonerless
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
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