You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
