yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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