I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
