im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Ladies don't puke and tell
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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