we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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