For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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