I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
