WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
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