Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
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