saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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