i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
