His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
