she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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