Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
