My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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