i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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