dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
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One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
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The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
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