I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Randomize
