i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
