can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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