new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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