Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
