i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Ketchup is God's man juice
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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