I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
