i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
