I just threw up on my dentist
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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