The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
