I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
