I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
