my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
