i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
