I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
