your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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