dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
