Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
