so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
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