remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
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