I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
